domesticana

In the past two months, I have...

1. Rushed to hospital to say good-bye to my dying step-father-in-law.
2. Visited my other father-in-law for the last time, in a nursing home where, the doctor's tell us, he will likely die within a month.
3. Helped organize a funeral.
4. Had an epiphany about religion.
5. Vowed never to leave my husband in a nursing home.
6. Put my child on an airplane by herself and watched it fly into the air without me.
7. Flew on 9 airplanes, traveled back and forth across the country, to Canada and up and down the West Coast.
8. Watched my child sprout into a beautiful, long, lean girl before my eyes.
9. Coordinated a team of people to count, sticker, tag, bag and seal 10,000 t-shirts.
10. Allowed my kid to watch two solid days of pbs cartoons on my computer. TV as babysitting is something I didn't think I'd ever need to do.
11. Launched a couple websites.
12. Added the role of customer service rep, on top of everything else, to my list of jobs.
13. Politely listened as a stranger swore at me on the phone for 15 minutes.
14. Inadvertently trained my dog to follow me around like a love-sick puppy.
15. Surrounded myself with good friends and family.
16. Consumed many bottles of wine.
17. Quit a triple cappuccino habit, cold-turkey.
18. Tried various natural remedies for Rosacea.
19. Purchased a $70 tube of antibiotic gunk for my rash.
20. Learned to accept the help of others when I need it.
21. Felt too overwhelmed to argue when my best friend, who has two small children and an infant, offered to watch my kid... for the entire day, twice. Thanks again Jess.
22. Attended a 4th of July wedding.
23. Spent a week in Montreal.
24. Sat in the best seats in the house at Cirque du Soleil, thanks to my mom.
25. Helped my daughter find a new way to channel her storytelling drive that won't get her in so much trouble for lying.
26. Spent many hours training my puppy.
27. Worried about my health insurance.
28. Read a several controversial books.
29. Watched two seasons of True Blood in the middle of the night. Yay for insomnia!
30. Drove 800 miles with a dog and a seven year old. Twice.
31. Lived like a gypsy, sleeping on the floor in the same room with my husband, my kid and my dog.
32. Discovered the necessity of a sofa.
33. Knit a few cute things and 1/4 of this lacy shawl.
34. Attempted to explain the concept of materialism and sweat shops to an American Girl obsessed seven year old.
35. Set up a Vonage phone line. Gotta love emailed voicemail with mp3 attachments.
36. Managed to keep up with jogging and yoga during my crazy summer.
37. Had at least five crying episodes in completely inappropriate situations.
38. Spent almost 10 hours in a laundromat.
39. Dreamed vividly.
40. Planned to do many things that didn't get done. Maybe now I'll tackle a few...

Flapping

I have a friend who always remarks that I'm "unflappable," that nothing seems to get me too riled up, and I think, for the most part, I would agree with that description. This summer's constant firestorm, however, put my ability to hold it together to the test repeatedly. For two months now, we've been battling one thing after the other, barely making ends meet, working our freaking asses off, and I have flapped on many occasions. I'm finding the need to have a mini-breakdown come up about once a week—just a full-on cry-it-out affair. It's so cathartic. Nothing seems as insurmountable after a good long cry.

All that said, I also feel so grateful for whatever innate ability I seem to possess for not stressing and freaking out over the little things, or even the big ones for that matter. As much as I appreciated my crying spells this summer, I don't think I would still be sane if I couldn't remain unflappable in the moment. It's obviously coming out in other ways though...

Last night I hosted my little knitting group, and everyone doted on me and expressed their concern despite the fact that I hadn't even unloaded on them about the extent of the mess surrounding me. It made me realize that I'm not "myself" right now and I don't need to say anything for people to notice.

For one thing, I look terrible. I have this unexplained rash on my face, some sort of Rosacea, that I have succumbed to treating with an antibiotic ointment despite my better judgement. I've never had anything like it before. I haven't changed anything in my diet or general surroundings. It's probably stress, right? It started about two months ago, and at first my plan of attack was to ignore it. Then I was too busy to deal with it. Then I just didn't look in the mirror for a couple weeks. Now, it's really getting to me. So much so that I'm willing to rub this gunk on my face twice a day. I just want the rash to go away!

I suppose another dead give away was the mess in my living room. Last week I started a rather messy work project on my living room floor during knitting night, and when everyone arrived last night it was exactly as I'd left it the week before. If you've ever been to my house, you would know how bizarre it is for me to leave a mess anywhere for long. I'm tidy, let's leave it at that. I just haven't had the time or energy to deal with it.

I feel tired. I look tired. I am tired. And yet, the last thing I want to do when Ella goes to bed is forsake my "me" time. I want to cut loose and escape. I want to get caught up in books and movies and chat with friends about their mundane problems and exciting lives. The last thing I want to do is go to bed just so I can get up and start the hard part all over again.

How can I balance sanity, motherhood, working full time, money stress, physical health and being a good wife? It just doesn't seem do-able. And by good wife, I just mean supporting the man I married, my friend, the father of my child. He needs a lot of support right now... It all comes down to feeling disappointed in myself for not being able to do everything as well as I want to and trying to just get over it already. I don't know who or what instilled in me this sensibility that the things I choose to do had better be done perfectly, but I wish it weren't quite so forceful. It just makes the feeling of failure that much more profound.

I remember being told that I could have everything, do anything and be as successful as I try to be. I wish someone had told me that all three of those things aren't quite simpatico.

I know I need to use this outlet again. So much has happened since I last felt serious about blogging that I couldn't possibly update or get back on track, but I do miss this source of reflection and I know I'll kick myself in 5 years if I don't get back at it. Let's see if I can stick to it!

Why He's Winning

I have to share this terrific article in Time Magazine by Joe Klein titled, Why Obama is Winning. Klein describes key moments he feels predict how Obama will realistically and effectively lead our country. An underlying theme in this piece illustrates Obama's intellectualism, his ability to learn and adapt and his superior understanding of economics and the challenges facing our nation.

If you haven't read it, please do. If you know people who are on the fence, please encourage them to read it. We need this man.

Voting Fraud. Nothing we can do about it?

After white-knuckling my way through HBO's award-winning movie, Recount, which manages to portray the 2000 election's Florida recount as a gripping and suspenseful story (despite the fact that we all know how that one turned out), I was incredibly disheartened to read this piece by Marty Kaplan about voter registration fraud and sabotage.

"Josef Stalin is reputed to have said, "Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything." I think he had it half right. Those who decide who cast the votes also decide everything."

What can we do? Is there any recourse? It seems hopeless.

Yesterday during my jog, I listened to a Bill Maher podcast from the Real Time episode (9/19/08) where Andrew Sullivan, Naomi Klein and will.i.am were discussing the huge part race will play in this election. A great episode, by the way. They all agreed that Obama needs at least a 5-7 point lead in the polls on election day just to break even and overcome the racial prejudice that will play out in the privacy of the voting booth. The odds are so tight—it's staggering.

I feel like all we can do is hope McCain/Palin continue to slip, and the public really wakes up and starts to take notice. And doesn't that feel pathetic. Do we really need a landslide to get Obama into the White House? It sure looks that way.

Schelp!

Sarah Silverman wants you to threaten your grandparents...

The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.

A Risk We Can't Afford

First off, I promise to return to less inflammatory posting soon. But for now, I can't help myself!

After reading through the first hundred or so comments on the latest political post from dooce, I found a link to this objective commentary about whether we can afford elect a woman who can look Americans in the eye and say that her proximity to Russia makes her an experienced foreign policy administrator to the White House.

According to this presentation, Palin is a wildcard, but I don't agree with that assessment. The word wildcard suggests we don't know enough about her to determine her likely positions and actions as VP and even, all gods forbid, President. I think there is a lot of evidence to suggest that she isn't in the habit of making informed decisions after careful consideration, that she doesn't consider our planet's health above or even remotely equal to the wealth of the special interest groups and corporations that are poisoning it, that she believes she is anointed from God to assist in bringing about the end of days...I could go on and on.

In this time of religious extremism informing global security, extreme economic meltdown, unprecedented executive power and constitutional freedoms erosion, can we honestly say that her beliefs, coupled with her vast lack of experience, are a safe bet for our future and our children's future. I hope people will refuse to gamble on those misearble odds.

Debates & Bailouts

This latest ploy to postpone tomorrow's debate seems to have backfired on McCain, but judging from the past few weeks, who knows what people are going to think at this point. I'm constantly stunned that people can watch the limited interviews with Sarah Palin and still think she's ready to be a heartbeat away from the most powerful position on our planet. But continue to support her they do.

Thank you, Obama, for having the balls to call his bluff. Damn straight the president needs to be able to multi-task.

If you look at the logistical nightmare that would result from rescheduling this debate, and at McCain's request to postpone the VP debate as well (isn't it enough that the Dems already agreed to go easy on Palin?), it's clear that this is a very well-crafted political ploy. Postponing these debates ensures that the millions of voters, in swing states no less, who are already casting their absentee ballots will not have a chance to watch a debate before making their decision.

It's sickening.

Excuse me while I ramble just a sec...

I was reminded last week of my infertility diagnosis when the doctor told me that I had no other options but in vitro, and how I immediately took her word as gospel despite knowing of countless other options I had not yet exhausted. All this despite the endless misdiagnoses I've witnessed my husband receive and the empowerment we've felt in finding alternatives that work.

It's natural that we look to our leaders, our trusted elites, to tell us how to fix things in a crisis. It's deeply ingrained in all of us.

When Paulson, Bernanke and Bush unveiled their bailout plan amid extreme fear of economic collapse and global insecurity, America said, "Oh shit, we'd better do what they say." At this point, I don't believe many Americans are doubting whether this has been one of the most corrupt administrations in history, which has time and again fed us lies to enact sweeping, unprecedented changes to the freedoms of our nation and its people.

No matter how much negotiation is done in Congress this week, these people are working within a box that was constructed by the Bush Administration. We're all bound to get totally screwed. Again.

In Defense of Elitism

I've been neglectful of this blog as life has been blazing full steam ahead for months now, but this morning I realized that my current state of mind needs a place to vent. And where better to express myself...

I have been so wrapped up in this election: the politics, the financial crisis, the choices the candidates are making every single day that speak to their ability to lead our country (and the planet) out of the amazing messes we continue to create. Every day I'm left absolutely stunned by the state of my country.

I just finished reading this piece about Sarah Palin by one of my all-time, favorite intellectual writers, Sam Harris. He articulates so many of my thoughts about the state of this election. Please read it and tell me what you think.

Here's a little snippet:

Watching her deny to Gibson that she had ever harbored the slightest doubt about her readiness to take command of the world's only superpower, one got the feeling that Palin would gladly assume any responsibility on earth:

"Governor Palin, are you ready at this moment to perform surgery on this child's brain?"

"Of course, Charlie. I have several boys of my own, and I'm an avid hunter."

"But governor, this is neurosurgery, and you have no training as a surgeon of any kind."

"That's just the point, Charlie. The American people want change in how we make medical decisions in this country. And when faced with a challenge, you cannot blink."