Nurturing the Nurturer

Someday Ella is going to make an awesome big sister. There's never been a doubt in my mind. Her whole inner world revolves around nurturing everyone she encounters, regardless of their age or whether they're human or an animal or a toy. She just lives for it. Dolls are frequently in her arms, play-nursing from her up-turned shirt or being lugged around on her hip, and if there's a tiny dog, bunny or kitty in the vicinity she's chasing it down or cuddling it to her chest. At times it's exasperating--the times when she just won't let it go, as in, "Leave the dog alone--he's running away for a reason." or "If she says she doesn't want to sit on your lap/be picked up/give you a hug, please just stop asking"--but it's hard to complain about such a sweetness in her character.

A few weeks ago, Ella got on a weird kick where she was asking all her friends, flat out, "Do you like me?" Talk about giving a four-year old power. Naturally, most of them answered, "No." just because they could, and Ella's feelings were mightily wounded. Her teacher, who I am growing to love more and more with each passing day, spoke to me about it privately after school one day, and during that conversation it occurred to me how to help her. Instead of asking them if they like her, she just needs to tell them that she likes them. Don't give them the power to hurt you--just give them the love in your heart. Her teacher had the insight to give Ella this advice in the form of a story, which is something I just don't pull out of my parenting arsenal often enough.

Allow me to go off on a tangent for just a moment... In Seattle, we had a zoo membership and went often to visit Ella's favorite animals: the gorillas and the lone jaguar. Many of our friends would complain that they never got to see the jaguar when they went, but, and I know this sounds kooky, it seemed like he had a thing for Ella. Every time we visited his habitat, Junior would come right up to the glass next to Ella and almost always curl up on his rock and stare at her. I'm not making this up--one day I brought the camera and sure enough, he came up to say hello. Anyway, when it became a regular occurrence, I made up a bedtime story about a family of jaguars, like one might do about bears or rabbits or some other animal, and I've been mirroring Ella's life in the story of this family ever since.

So, that night I told Ella a story about the baby sister jaguar, Kaya, who comes home and talks to her big brother about her friends who say they don't like her. When I came to the lesson, Ella rolled into me and held me tight, whispering, "Thank you, Mommy." She had tears in her eyes as she listened to the rest of the story. How have I not know about this story as advice technique all this time? As I said, I've been mirroring our lives with the jaguar family, but I've never used story-time specifically to give her advice.  It was remarkable.

Her teacher reported that she walked right in the next day and told all of her friends that she liked them and they all reciprocated in kind, and all was harmonious and easy again at school.

Yesterday, the teacher made a point to tell me that one of the other girls started crying when they went on their walk in the apple orchard that morning, and Ella came to the rescue. She just oozes empathy when someone is genuinely hurting, and apparently she walked right up and said, "Oh C., it's okay. Here let me give you a hug. Just rest your head here right on my chest." Ella's teacher went on to say that for the rest of the day, Ella made it her mission to be C.'s little mama; holding her hand, rubbing her head, putting her arms around her.

In so many pieces of Ella's personality, in her words and expressions and manners and demeanor, I see myself or Matt, but when it comes to this obsessive need to nurture and shower her affection on everyone, I only see her. Sure, Matt and I are loving and affectionate, but she's taken it up to the tippy-toppest notch.

She is absolutely beside herself with the notion that we might, someday, have another baby, and asks me everyday when that day might come. "When are you going to have a new baby in your tummy?" "How will it get inside you?" "Can I watch you and Daddy make it?" She's relentless. She has stopped referring to herself as her baby-dolls' mommy and is now just their big sister. She asks me at least ten times a day if I'd like to hold her baby sister and wouldn't I like to give her some of my milk and could she just watch her baby sister sleep in my arms for a while. It goes on and on.

Part of me is so intensely moved by her desire for a sibling and other parts feel both sorry for myself and wracked with guilt for not giving her something that she so desperately, desperately wants. I feel like I say this every goddamn month, but I'l be fertile and ovulating next week when we get to Kona. So, maybe a little Libra baby brother or sister is in the stars for us. It's hard to get too worked up about it, but Ella certainly never lets me forget for a moment. A blessing and a curse.

Comments

[Jeanette LeBlanc]

Oh Melissa,
What a beautiful, beautiful entry. I loved reading about Ella (how could that cool little baby with the big eyes and hair sticking up on the top of her head that I met way back when on my weekend in Seattle be so big?) and her incredible compassion and huge heart. I wish I could say the same about Bella, but she's a little lacking in the empathy department these days.....:) I love the idea of stories as advice, but I have a feeling my little dictator will have none of it - she likes to determine the topic and content of all stories:)

[Rebekah]

Oh my goodness that has to be the most beautiful thing I ever read. Ella has to be the most caring soul I've ever come across in a child. I wanted to cry myself when I read how she thanked you for your story ... the peace of mind you gave her is a gift she'll never forget!

And may I say that, when the time comes for Ella to be a big sister, she will indeed blow you away with the love she has for her sibling. Aidan has been a big brother for only a week now and it is absolutely amazing to see how gentle and caring and loving and EXCITED he is about his baby brother. I hope that it happens for your family soon.

[Jess]

I really, really feel like its going to happen soon. A strong feeling. (I hope it is OK for me to say that).

[Summer]

This entry resonates so deeply with me. I am certain that Dorian will, God willing, be an incredible big brother. And he wants to be a big brother. He asks me for a baby constantly. He is certain that he's going to get a sister, and he talks about his sister so much, it's like she exists already. He keeps telling me about how his sister is going to fit into our lives; for example, one night I let Dorian put the toppings on his own little pizza crust, and while he covered every centimeter of crust in sliced olives, he told me that when his sister grows up she will make her own pizza, but when his sister is a baby I will give her milk from my breasts.... It stretches and breaks my heart, every time. I wish I had his confidence that his sister is coming.

Sigh.