Apathetically-challenged

Brooke recently posted a link to the World on Fire video by Sarah Mclachlan, and watching it again brought a flood of emotions down on me. It's not simply guilt or shame or incredulity, although all of those feelings certainly come up for me. Mainly I just feel revolted by my own reaction.

I'm not even sure where to start, or how all of these random feelings and thoughts seemed to culminate after watching that video again. I've seen it before, and I felt shocked and saddened--almost uplifted and motivated and then defeated and discouraged about the world in one instant. But part of what makes it so painful to watch a second time, months later, is that I couldn't remember any of it. Initially, I'd guess I spent an hour thinking about it and then I must have completely eradicated it from my memory. It was selfish and self-preserving and disgusting and absolutely normal.

Last week, I watched Goodnight and Good Luck, and I turned it off feeling so frustrated with the world and politics and money and greed and power. A film like that comes out, virtually daring all of us to take stand, take action, make something happen, and nothing changes. We might talk about it momentarily and entertain some notion of grandeur for a few minutes, but, as with this video, the motivations it might stir up are fleeting and no one really gets off their ass.

Last week Matt and I were talking about some recent pieces of news we'd heard: talk of invading Iran, Bush's doctrine of preemption, civil wars, corruption, etc., and we ended up focusing, the way we always do, on the politics of what we do not know or understand. The immense job of being a world super-power, the political and social implications of falling from that position, and the unfathomable amount of information we don't have to make any real statements in support of one decision over another. It's such a helpless, defeating conversation, and it's not the first time we've had it.

The main thing drudging these feelings of disgust to the surface lately is the fact that we're in the midst of a couple noisy legal battles right now. And after what happened with our previous business, I am just feeling so over it all. I wish we didn't have to fight anyone off to get ahead, but despite all our best intentions and moral actions, if we don't fight back we will get trampled. We've worked too hard to get trampled. So we are forced to pour money down the legal drain despite having done absolutely everything "right." It's screwed up.

When I think about politics or societal structure or wealth and power--all of the things that make up this world of ugliness I feel surrounded by lately--I have this little-girl voice in my ear that says, "The world is a big, bad ugly place. Why does it have to be this way?" I have this instinct to hole up in some cabin off the grid and farm and barter my way through life. Just escape all of it. Get really radical in my apathy. But then there's the voice saying, "Stand up and fight back, you wuss."

I'm glad there are artists out there challenging everyone's apathy about the harsh realities of our world.

Comments

[Sarah]

It's the polar bears that get me. I can barely think about it, or look at the cover of time--I feel so powerless.