On the Needles

  • Very cool handbag knit using Banana Silk in Rangi Changi. 90% complete.
  • A funky vest to be worn over a sheer white top knit using Tahki Cotton Classic in Blue Slate. Top-down pattern in the round by the venerable Knit & Tonic. 70% complete.
  • Short-sleeved sweater by the lovely Amelia Raitte. I've only just swatched using Jo Sharp Soho Cotton in Thyme.

April 22, 2008

Coconut Bliss

Coconutbliss Friends of ours recently introduced us to this awesome new treat: coconut milk-agave ice cream! I had completely given up hope of an alternatively sweetened ice cream at the grocery store. I need to do some experimenting, but I can't imagine some of their flavors would be hard to duplicate at home. Considering that my favorite one is Mint Galactica, which has sugar-sugar in the chocolate chips, I'd like to try making my own. I'll be sure to fill you in if I figure out a good recipe. For now, I'm just excited to be able to buy some ice cream that I feel good about feeding to Ella and Matt. If you can get it in your area, try a pint! It's so, so good.

April 18, 2008

Needle Felting Fairies & Mermaids

Fairymother1babies My parents constantly act shocked that I aspire to add new, wacky crafts to my list of pleasures, and I'm sure this one tops their list of least likely things they ever would have imagined I'd want to do as an adult. But, there you go. I guess we can't always see the future for our children.

Ella's kindergarten teacher organized an event a few months back for all her Fairymother1backclass parents to meet the school's handwork teacher. As you might expect, only the moms showed up, but we had such a nice time sitting around gossiping together. The handwork teacher, Miss Laurie, set up the room with foam blocks and felting needles, walked us through the steps to make a basic doll and then let us loose to do with it what we would. I decided to add some wings and make a little 'fairy mother' for Ella, and it has since been one of her prize possessions. The next day, she and I sat down and used some leftover wool to make the little babies she's holding, and Ella was pretty thrilled to pick up a needle and start stabbing away.

Fairymother2side We're doing a fund raiser for Ella's class next month, and I tried to get some of the interested moms together to make some little needle-felted crafts to sell. It ended up being a bust, but now I have all the supplies for myself! I worked on this new fairy mother doll and her babes (this time with little wings!), and I'll try my best to part with her. How much do you think I should charge? $25? Is Fairymother2babies_2that too much? Too little? I really have no idea what something like this would sell for...

With all my leftover supplies, I've decided to make Ella a little mer-family for her upcoming birthday. I've got the mama mermaid in the works and am on the lookout for some miniature shells to cover her fluffy chest. I think she needs a big, strong merman and a daughter and maybe a merbaby too. I'll take more pictures as they come together...


Mermaid Front Mermaid Back

April 07, 2008

Bummer, it started.

Well, that's all she wrote folks. Good old Aunt Flo is here, and I can't think of any rhyme or reason that she chose to totally fuck with my head and keep me waiting for over a week. I'll be looking into that one. I'm totally disappointed but not devastated. Part of me feels like it was good to let my guard down and just really surrender to hopefulness. I'm sad that all the little things I was dreaming about won't become a reality, but I'll get over it. I always do.

On a bright and heartwarming note though, I am just so filled with happiness for Brooke. She and I commiserated on several occasions about our trying to conceive woes, and I can honestly say that I feel only joy and love in my heart for her right now. It's like a bright, bright light on an otherwise sad day for me, and I'm grateful to hold her and her family in my heart right now.

Brooke's Lova is Here!

The lovely and amazing Brooke, goddess and birth warrior, is finally holding her new baby girl, in her arms!

Go check out her mom's sweet summary and picture!

Now I'm Just Crazy

No news might still be good news, right? I tested again this morning--at 36 days (and 8 days late), but got another negative test. I can't help but be reminded of my pregnancy with Ella. We knew the date of conception was August 31st (there was only one time it could have been), but when I tested after my missed period and then a week later both were negative. I had only just had one cycle after an early miscarriage, and I assumed I was having another crazy-long one. So, I waited and waited, and finally went to my doctor to find out what was wrong with me. She confirmed I was 9 weeks along. That's some serious patience/denial/will power, what have you.

Could my body just take a little longer than most to start metabolizing hCG (or however that might work)? Might I be going through the same thing all over again? I've been googling like mad, and I'm not really finding a lot to go on...

I'm so torn between feeling intensely excited and dreamy and hopeful, and then feeling nervous that I'm getting ahead of myself and what if it's ectopic or just some kind of hormonal funk. I crashed into bed the night before last at 9pm, after taking a nap mid-day, and I can only assume it was from sheer mental exhaustion. (I'm usually a night owl.) I have never in my life wanted anything so badly, never waited for anything so patiently (and incessantly), never felt so strongly that I was just meant to do something so profoundly. On this brink of hope, I am just freaking out.

My good friend Rachel has coined me "unflappable"—insisting that I don't come unglued and seem to soldier on despite what could be considered difficult circumstances. Well, I am flapped. It's official. I've done come unglued.

I think I may take your advice, Summer, and go get a blood test already.

All of this "not knowing" and waiting has reminded me what a vulnerable time pregnancy is—first the trying, then the precarious first trimester, and on to the impending surrender during birth and beyond. My protective trying-to-conceive shell has cracked open, and now I'm confronted with whatever will be. This is my journey. I must surrender and be patient. And that, my friends, is a tall order.

April 05, 2008

See a Penny

Penny
Still nothing. Just a stark solo line on Thursday morning's test and very clean underwear. I am obsessively agonizing at this point. I feel like I'm going to the bathroom every 30 minutes just to see if it might all be over.

And yet, I can't help but feel hopeful. This morning on my run, I kept seeing coins on the ground. When I was almost home, I saw a penny and kept on walking. A few paces ahead, I stopped dead in my tracks and went back for it. Who cares if it's not heads up? I'm going to take whatever I can get. I don't want to be kicking a superstitious gift horse in the mouth, right?

In case you're wondering why I had a camera with me on my jog, I got an iPhone for my birthday about a month ago. It's only kind of bulky to run with it (in a belt clip), but I really like being able to snap a picture whenever I want. And know if someone's trying to reach me when Ella's at school, and use the stopwatch, and listen to the iPod, and... It's the best damn piece of technology I've ever owned.

How long do you think I should wait before I take another test? Providing I don't wake up in the middle of the night to the highly probable conclusion...

April 03, 2008

Maybe this month?

For the past five years, almost every single month as my moon time approaches I can't help go through the same thoughts and images in my mind. If I were pregnant now:

What month would the baby be born?
What would I not be able to do in the coming months because I'm pregnant?
What would the baby's astrological sign be?
How would we plan everything with Matt's work?
Are all these tender symptoms premenstrual or a sign of pregnancy?
How will my belly look during the summer?
Will it be a boy or a girl?
Is that blood?

It seems downright silly to allow myself to be so dreamy over and over again, but it's almost like my rational brain has no say in the matter. And then I go through this internal monologue about whether or not to discuss my suspicions with anyone. Maybe just Matt? Maybe just my far-off friends? Okay, no one this month. I'm not really superstitious—I just can't help myself.

So after all that excitement over my 28 day cycles, I'm now sitting on day freakin' 33. I've been debating about whether to test all week, but honestly I can't help feeling like the minute I pee on the stick my cycle will start. And I'm way to cheap to waste the $10. All week long I've waited. Every morning, I'd lie in bed and feel my hot tummy wondering if maybe, just maybe this might be the month.

I successfully determined that my LH surge (which is what the ovulation prediction kit tests) occurred on day 14, but we didn't manage to do anything until day 16. That's not awful timing, but it's not great either. Honestly though, with all the stress in our lives right now, particularly for Matt, I just cannot imagine a worse time, a more improbable time. And yet... You see where this is headed.

But hey, I figured that if I do have a faint line or something (meaning, even if I were miscarrying right now), at least I'd know sperm met egg in there. That's pretty valuable information, right? I'm so neurotic.

So after 5 days of internal debate and sheer stingy willpower, I finally caved this afternoon and bought myself a pregnancy test two-pack, on sale. Comically, I only allowed myself to buy them because I needed to get some cash from my bank, which happens to be located in the Safeway, which happens to carry pregnancy tests. And, hey, if I was going to go in there, I might as well just use the Debit/Money Back option with a purchase...

As an aside, why is it so uncomfortable to buy pregnancy tests. The checker gave me this silly grin, albeit with genuine excitement in his beady little eyes, and I could feel all the other people in line staring at my single purchase on the conveyor belt.

Ack, I wish I weren't such a blusher.

Of course, I went home and debated about whether to hold out for a few days more. What's the rush? That lasted all of three hours. So, finally I peed on the stick and all was for naught. One harsh pink line. Only one.

And now, you know what my brain is saying? Maybe it was just the diluted urine. Maybe I should try again tomorrow first thing. With Ella I didn't get a positive pregnancy test even two weeks after my missed period. Maybe I just don't make a lot of that hormone right away? Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Thank goodness I'm not a depressive person. This sort of crap is enough to send any mama over the edge. Wasn't I just saying that I have my head around not trying too hard right now? I do. I totally do. Except when I'm premenstrual and 5 days late!

April 01, 2008

Chocolate Dipped Cocount Macaroons - Gluten Free

Back in Seattle, the Whole Foods bakery macaroons were always one of my favorite special treats. They're crispy on the outside and fluffy and moist on the inside, and I would savor every last morsel. I missed them a lot after I moved. In the last year or two, as Matt's health has improved some and Ella has become more and more in tune with all the treats her friends get, I figured I needed to work on some cookie recipes with unrefined sugar. Okay, okay, so they're for me too... Cookies are just fun, and I was tired of living without them.

Muffins, cakes and breads are all fairly liquid-sugar friendly, and I find that maple syrup or honey actually improves their texture, but cookies are unforgiving. They want dry sugar. So, I decided to cut out as much as was palatable and go with an unrefined cane sugar.

My local Whole Foods sells both Sucanat and Rapadura in the grocery section, Sucanat seeming a little coarser to Rapadura's fine powder. But, in the bulk section, the stuff they label as Sucanat looks and tastes just like the Rapadura in the packaged, much pricier bag. The difference, for those of you interested, between either of these and say Evaporated Cane Juice or Turbinado is that the latter two are crystallized and separated from their molasses content in the final stage of processing. Retaining the molasses means you still get some Vitamin B6 and a handful of minerals—hey, it's something, right?

My other issue was chocolate, which I consider a vital cookie ingredient. No one manufactures chocolate with unrefined sweeteners, except Sunspire, and I'm not a fan. So, I decided to make my own. At one point last Christmas, I went so far as to put my home-sweetened chocolate into a pastry bag and squeeze out chips. My internal dialog went like this: "Wow, this is really time-consuming... Hmm, I bet this is totally unnecessary... I wonder what else I could be doing... Oh well, I might as well keep going since I'm already halfway done... Screw this, I'm just going to make chunks and call it good." I've learned to love chunks.

As a dark chocolate fiend from very early childhood (I used to sneak the 1oz. chunks of Baker's Chocolate my mom kept in our fridge), I like my chocolate pretty, um, dark. So, keep that in mind should you chose to try this recipe... One problem with unsweetened chocolate is that it can be gritty or chalky. I don't recommend the Trader's Joe's baking bar for this purpose. El Rey, Valrhona and Scharffen Berger are all pretty pricey but excellent, and Ghirardelli's good in a pinch. My new favorite is sold in the candy bar section of my local Whole Foods: Vintage Plantations 100% Dark. The price is comparable to Ghirardelli, but I prefer the flavor.

The two best things about these little coconut delicacies is that they're gluten free (for those with true allergies, you should check your chocolate, sugar and coconut sources just to be safe) and super-quick. It's a 20 - 30 minute recipe from start to finish with very minimal mess. Enjoy!

Ingredients:

For the macaroons:
2 1/2 cups coconut
1/2 cup sucanat (or other sugar)
2 large egg whites
1 tsp. vanilla
1 big pinch sea salt

For optional chocolate sauce:
4 oz. unsweetened chocolate, coarsely chopped
2 tbsp. butter, cut into pieces
2+ tbsp. maple syrup

Preparation:

Preheat oven to 350 F with rack in center. Line baking sheet with parchment* and get out an ice cream scoop (or big spoon) and a cup of cold water. Set aside. Mix all ingredients together in a big bowl with your hands until completely combined. Clean your hands and then use your ice cream scoop to spoon 11/2 tablespoon sized rounds onto your baking sheet, about an inch apart. Dip the scoop/spoon in the water every few times so the mixture doesn't stick to your spoon. Since these don't spread out, you can fit them all on one sheet. When you're done scooping, use your fingers (again dipping in water occasionally) to press each ball into a firm shape. Bake for about 12 minutes until golden brown. Cool on a wire rack and store in a cookie jar, with wax paper in between stacks, or in an airtight container. They're never as good as the day you bake them!

If desired, melt chocolate and butter, being careful not get any water (even a drop) in the melting chocolate (or it can seize or separate). You can do this in a double boiler (a bowl over a pot of simmering water--don't let the bowl touch the water), or in the microwave at 50% power for 2 minutes, stirring after 1 min. Stir until smooth and then add maple syrup to taste. Pick up your freshly cooled cookies and give 'em a good dunk. Yum!

* If you don't have parchment paper, leave this step out and just set them directly on the sheet.

Next up: Wholegrain Chocolate Chip Cookies (that actually taste good)!

Recently Rented

  • : Across the Universe

    Across the Universe
    There's something so satisfying about watching some of your all time favorite songs fictionalized on film. Normally I'm not a big fan of musicals, but for too many reasons to count, this one rocked! (*****)

  • : No End in Sight

    No End in Sight
    The list of very prominent insiders who agreed to be interviewed in this exposé on the US failure in Iraq is, in a word, staggering. I was left feeling like someone had just been slapping me across the face for an hour and a half. You know, in a good way. (*****)

  • : Michael Clayton

    Michael Clayton
    Who doesn't love layered characters and a tense, gripping plot? Tilda Swinton's performance really knocked my socks off—all that lonely psyching herself up and the moment of her final realizations. Wow. (****)

  • : Gone Baby Gone

    Gone Baby Gone
    It's extremely rare that a movie make me contemplate my own morality to the point where I'm still hashing it out weeks later. Such a complex tale with overlapping story lines and intense emotions—3 cheers for Ben Affleck (and his wonderful cast) for totally pulling it off! Can't wait to see what he directs next time around. (*****)

  • : The Business of Being Born

    The Business of Being Born
    As much as I wanted to love this documentary (such a passionate subject for me), I only just liked it, a lot. I wished it could have been more profound, made its point more absolutely and been a lot less NYC elitish. Classic case of my hopes being sky high. It was good. Watch it. (****)

  • : Into the Wild

    Into the Wild
    Profound, inspiring and beautifully acted, this movie about making the most of our humanity is both uplifting and sentimental. Emile Hirsch bowled me over again and again. Loved Eddie Vedder's soundtrack too. (*****)

  • : Eagle vs. Shark

    Eagle vs. Shark
    Jemaine Clement, of Flight of the Conchords fame, is brilliantly despicable in this black romantic comedy from New Zealand. But as his lovesick girlfriend (sweet Loren Horsley) slowly learns more about why he's such a schmuck, you can't help but smile, cringe and wish them well. (****)

  • : Waitress

    Waitress
    Such a sweet, deadpan, non-cliché fairytale with the ever-adorable Keri Russell, not to mention Nathan Fillion, who is pure perction as her OB/GYN lover. I found it refreshing to see a pregnant character struggling to connect with her baby and accept what the future has in store. (****)

  • : The Lives of Others

    The Lives of Others
    Edge-of-your-seat and elegantly told film about a patriotic man in East Germany whose blinders are slowly removed as he is forced to choose between his convictions and condemning an honorable man. (*****)

  • : The Fountain

    The Fountain
    Love stories don't work without chemistry, and Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz totally have it, in abundance. Watch it because it's beautiful. Watch it because it's trippy. Or hell, watch it for the most seductive, sensual sex scenes in recent memory. (*****)

On my nightstand

  • Michael Pollan: In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto
    After a long library wait, I finally have this in my hot little hands, but now I'm having trouble actually picking it up. The first chapter leads me to believe this one isn't necessarily going to teach me anything I don't already know.
  • Laura Lippman: What the Dead Know: A Novel
    I felt shockingly undisturbed by this story of an infertile couple who loose their adopted teenage daughters to a kidnapper. The frequent time and perspective jumps didn't seem confusing some much as convoluted, and I'm always irritated when I figure out the big twist a chapter before it's revealed. (***)
  • Al Gore: The Assault on Reason

    Al Gore: The Assault on Reason
    I don't usually find non-fiction books about politics to be page-turners, but this one has me on the edge. Deftly balances democratic ideals with the problems we face as modern-day, plugged-in Americans. (****)

  • Barbara Kingsolver: Animal, Vegetable, Miracle: A Year of Food Life

    Barbara Kingsolver: Animal, Vegetable, Miracle: A Year of Food Life
    Inspiring, intelligent and passionate. I haven't read a Kingsolver book I didn't love, but she takes it to another level for me with this memoir of a year spent feeding her family with local and homegrown food. I'm already dreaming of an expanded garden this summer. (*****)

  • T.C. Boyle: Talk Talk

    T.C. Boyle: Talk Talk
    Read this entire book in one blissful, hangover-induced stupor. I love the varied points of view of T.C. Boyle's novels. An identity thief, a deaf woman and a special effects artist--those are some pretty interesting perspectives... (****)

  • Randine Lewis: The Infertility Cure: The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies

    Randine Lewis: The Infertility Cure: The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies
    Love her descriptions of how Chinese medical doctors view the body and health. She gives me hope. (****)

  • Angela C. Wu: Fertility Wisdom: How Traditional Chinese Medicine Can Help Overcome Infertility

    Angela C. Wu: Fertility Wisdom: How Traditional Chinese Medicine Can Help Overcome Infertility
    Dr. Wu practices in San Francisco, and after reading most of this book, I'm very tempted to go see her. Her recommendations are so counter-western-intuitive, but her written explanations make me hopeful. (****)

  • Kazuo Ishiguro: When We Were Orphans

    Kazuo Ishiguro: When We Were Orphans
    I've been trying to read this for years, but I'm finally past the 100 page hump. So, it's looking like I might actually finish it this time. (***)

  • T.C. Boyle: The Inner Circle

    T.C. Boyle: The Inner Circle
    A riveting fictional account of sex scientist Alfred Kinsey and his apostles. Such a page turner. I always find myself drawn to Boyle's naïve characters, probably because they're so believable. (*****)

  • Michael Pollan: The Omnivore's Dilemma: A Natural History of Four Meals

    Michael Pollan: The Omnivore's Dilemma: A Natural History of Four Meals
    Intricately blends history and politics and our modern food woes. Loving every word of this very important work. (*****)

Listening to

  • Feist: Let It Die

    Feist: Let It Die
    Lovin' her. She walks a line between the emotional and tongue-in-cheek. Her BeeGee's cover, Inside & Out, is so, so fun. (*****)

  • Amy Winehouse: Back to Black

    Amy Winehouse: Back to Black
    So reminiscent of Dinah Washington and Barbara Lewis. Watch her acoustic sessions on youtube. There's no denying she's something special. I hope she gets her life together because I think she's a special talent. (****)

  • Feist: The Reminder

    Feist: The Reminder
    Embarrassing that it took an ad on the Apple website to turn me on to this amazing force. I am so smitten with her I can hardly stand it. (*****)

  • Lucinda Williams: West

    Lucinda Williams: West
    Haunting.

  • Tori Amos: American Doll Posse

    Tori Amos: American Doll Posse
    I'm embarrassed to admit that my 5 year old knows a lot of the words.

  • Wilco: Sky Blue Sky

    Wilco: Sky Blue Sky
    Hate it Here—brilliant!

  • : Half the Perfect World

    Half the Perfect World
    Boozy with romance. (****)

  • : Modern Times

    Modern Times
    Cannot get enough of this blues-y album. (*****)